Letting my thoughts escape my brain

Sunday, December 2, 2007

A LOT on my mind

This past week and weekend have been packed full of things to do and not enough time to do them. After a full day of planning for our documentary, I decided to get into bed and read (Wicked). After I struggled to find a stopping point I realized that this time of night was the only time I actually had to do what I want. I get tricked into thinking I have a busy week, but it dawned on me that every week is a busy week. I never have time to go see a movie anymore. It takes me 2 months to read a book. I was due for an oil change 1,000 miles ago. I miss doctors’ appointments. I wash my clothes but forget to put them in the dryer. I can’t find my company ID.

The following is quite personal and deals with my personal beliefs so if this makes you uncomfortable I suggest you skip to the next paragraph. I usually have to work on Sundays, which keeps me from going to church. Now that the racing season is over my Sundays are free, but I find all I want to do is sit alone for a minute and just do absolutely nothing. On the other hand I know that I am slowing becoming more selfish and passive because I haven't been able to go to church in so long. The problem is finding a church in this city that isn't a singles club or a daycare. I've become passive about finding a home church and quite frankly stopped trying. That alone is enough to terrify me. I know how much peace, joy and mental grounding I have when I stay in the Word and go to church. I also realize that if I would get over myself and just find a church then I will start making friends here. I know all this, yet I have nothing in me to drive me to go. It's such a bizarre feeling. I need to refocus my top priority.

Love, it’s a word I’m so sick of hearing about. It seems as though moving to Charlotte has sparked some strange urge in everyone I know to fix my singleness. The problem is everyone's inconsistency. One day people (mostly my closest friends and my family) will tell me I'm much too young right now, focus on my career, have fun, travel. A few days later I will be asked by the same people if I'm interested in anyone right now and/or have they told me about their friend (fill in a guys name). I'm quite content being single right now and honestly don't know of any guy with the patience to deal with my busy schedule, but I'm not against meeting new people. Here's the problem, before I can even realize what I'm doing I turn down blind dates or group dates. I throw out some lame reason then go home and sit in confusion because I'm just as inconsistent as those who want me to find a significant other, get married, but also stay single and be successful. I am the pretty much the only friend left in my group that is not married or engaged yet or in a serious relationship. I feel as though this might be something that I've caused, I need to figure that out.

Lastly, and I am probably going to get some angry responses because of this, I'm thinking of ending my blog. Now before you start cursing my name, I have good reason (at least I think I do). I've never been a people pleaser, but the moment I moved to Charlotte I find myself trying to keep people happy and content. I don't necessarily want people to be happy with me, just happy in general. I don't know what it is about this place (Charlotte) but it's turning me into someone that I can't quite recognize. Here's how this applies to blogging. I basically started a blog because some people said I should. I'll skip a few days blogging because I become insanely busy, but get grief from fellow bloggers for not blogging. I'll feel bad and write up some lame post. No one will read it because I don’t' have time to comment on 20 blogs. Then, I'll feel bad for not commenting on other's blogs, because lets be honest, if someone doesn’t comment on your blog then you won't come and read theirs. The blog world is give and take; you got to earn your regular readers. This alone is just too much. I don’t' have the time to contribute to blogging and commenting and I don't have much to say, ever. Right now blogging is just another thing on my To Do list, and to be honest, there are much more things in my life that need my full attention right now (my best friend with a 2 year old, a job promotion, producing and directing a documentary in New York City, finding a church and getting my spiritual life back in order, getting back in shape, etc) I don't think I'm going to delete my blog, but I know that I will be taking a very, very long break from it. I'll still check in when I can. This is important, for those of you I've met here, I still hope that we can keep in touch through e-mail and phone.